Finding Myself One Moment at a Time

I have taught, counseled, prayed over and encouraged more people than I can count in the past 50 years. 

For many I encouraged them to begin by understanding their identity in Christ. 

I remember when I first encountered the teaching on God's view of me through the lens of HIS eyes. 

It was 35 years ago and it was life changing. 

I had struggled for most of my life with self-image and lack of confidence. 

This teaching set me free from the lies of the enemy! 

It was the enemy who, for most of my life, had been whispering to my soul that I was "less than" because of bad things that had happened to me at a young age. 

I was a helpless victim, but Satan found a way to make me believe, even at the age of 7 years old, that I was guilty and should by shamed. 

Through the years I made agreements with these lies and eventually there were enough agreements that a stronghold took hold. 

It affected my understanding of God, saturated my emotions with shame and was fleshed out in my body image.

So, let's return to 2024. 

In my quiet times this past week I realized that in all my searching I had chosen to ignore my identity in Christ.

Mostly because, honestly, I wanted to be mad at God and His plan for my friend and the loss of all our plans and dreams for retirement. 

This feeling was foreign to me. I had never felt angry with God before. I have felt sadness and I have had questions, but never anger. 

In the past few weeks I have felt the loss of more than my best friend, I re-lived the death of her husband and daughter. 

I felt the loss of her mom who literally died in my arms. 

And then I go back to the loss of my parents. 

I was grieving for all of them! 

But I was refusing the comfort of the Holy Spirit. 

I was living in the loss and the pain, and in all of this I was denying my identity. 

Last week I sensed the Holy Spirit urging me to find myself, the me that He sees!

In those moments I went back to some of my teaching on the subject. 

It was a sweet moment as I begin to feel my return to resting in the truth that I am a Daughter of the KING. 

I pray you might find these moments in your grief or struggles or your questioning or even in a bit of apathy. 

I am so thankful for a patient and understanding God who encourages us to grieve and who stands beside us in dark times – even when we don’t invite Him in. He is waiting right there. 

Zephaniah 3:17 is an important scripture in my life.  

        The Lord your God is with [me]. 

        He is mighty to save [me]. 

        He takes great delight in [me]. 

        He quiets [me] with His love. 

        He rejoices over [me] with singing. 

I keep this passage on a note card to see it every day. 

If you are struggling, use meditate on these verses for the next week. 

Better yet – let’s commit to memorize it together.

I pray that all of my words will be from the Lord and not from me.

He has confirmed for me, through your comments, that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

Please know that I have been praying for those of you who commented on my first post.  

Feel free to private message me or email me at cindyseay50@yahoo.com and let me know specific ways I can pray for you. Prayer is my passion and calling.

I have landed in a season of reflection. 

But it feels more like blurred confusion and unsteadiness.

It's kind of a lonely place to be - alone with all the feelings - the grief, the sense of being unsure about almost everything. 

I suppose that's what I feel when I look back over the past 4 years and realize the loss that we have experienced - it was one thing after another, with very little time to process each loss before the next one came along.

I am not alone.  

I have an amazing husband.  We are a team.  We walk through all things together, holding on to each other and the comfort and strength of our Lord,

I have the gift of some deep, sweet friendships.  

I have family that has encouraged me and watched over me with great care.

Yet, at the end of the day, I am left alone in my thoughts.

I am not sharing this with you to cause you concern or confusion.

I pray that you will find Jesus in my writing and that you will walk with me while I attempt to untangle all that life throws at us.

I feel an urging in my spirit to share my story.

I don't even know what that will look like.

Perhaps it is simply for my own healing.  

I am passionate about story.  

It is how we learn from each other and how the Holy Spirit connects us.

It is how the light of Jesus is reflected through us to a dark world.

I hope you will join me on this winding path.

I pray that you will not see me but that you will watch for Jesus in my story - that you will allow the Holy Spirit to speak and to draw you into a place where you can fully trust and deeply love the Lord.

More to come...