April 2

I can't believe it's been a year since I lost my friend.

This spiral daily devotionals that sits on my kitchen countertop has not been changed since this day last year.

It was one of those things I just couldn't make myself do.

The devotional for April 2 speaks of being weary 

and crying out to Jesus.

This quote kept me coming back to re-read this devotional...

"Jesus is the One who takes my shriveled-up self and breathes life into me.  Without Him, I am empty. Only when I lay myself down, when I give Him my worries and fears and anxieties [and grief] ... 

can I finally be full.

It has been a journey of grief, anger, and confusion, but God has been faithful. He never left my side. I always felt His love. He patiently waited for me to return to Him and allow Him to be 

my strength and my refuge. 

Psalm 92:15

"The Lord is just; He is my ROCK..."

Psalm 91 became Carroll's anchor after so much loss in her life.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  This I declare about the Lord: 

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; 

He is my God, and I trust Him."

Carroll lived out those promises. She held onto God's Word and relied on His strength through all the battles in her world.

Today she is sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to Steve sing praises to our Lord and loving on her daughter and mom.

She was my friend for 32 years.  

She taught me so much.

She prayed for me.

She cheered me on when I struggled to think straight.

She encouraged me as I taught Bible studies.

She couldn't laugh without crying.  I always loved that.

She was a mighty Prayer Warrior.

She loved to have fun and I can still see her smile and her eyes shining as she stepped into her new home with all new furnishings.

She was like a little girl at Christmas.

I'm so glad she had those moments of JOY.

Oh, how I miss her!

So many others are missing her today.

She was a good friend to many.

Forever in my heart!

 

Who Will I Become in 2025?

That truly is the question I am facing on this New Years Day.

I know what I have been.

I know what I want to be.

But am I willing to surrender this year to the Lord and allow Him to make me what He has prepared for me in 2025?

I still feel weary from 2024.  Do I have the strength of spirit to yield my weary self to Jesus?

When I take a moment to look back, I can say the past 5 years have been hard.  

But none of us are guaranteed a happy or easy year in 2025.

We are guaranteed His presence, His guidance, and His strength and I am reminded that is how I am still standing.

I'm sitting in my chair this morning sipping hot tea because I have a sore throat and an achey body and realizing that, ready or not, we are back to a new beginning. 

I usually love new beginnings - but I confess that I often struggle getting past the starting block because I am consumed with all the "wrongs" in my spirit, soul and body- too many things to work on. 

I overthink and decide that I don’t have enough time in the day and I'm too far gone. 

I offer myself no GRACE and suddenly it’s March!

It has taken too many years for me to realize that this is a place the enemy sneaks in with his attacks –telling me that I don’t have what it takes to live intentionally – paralyzing me with his lies. 

Do you find yourself believing the lies just when you think you are ready to get moving into the New Year?

For many years I have turned to the spiritual practice of asking the Lord for one WORD that would be a focal point for the year - a word I could lean into - a word that the Lord could use to grow and refine you. 

For me, it made more sense than making new years resolutions.

It is about living life with purpose.

It is about asking God for a Word that will guide us into intentional living.

When He gives the Word, He will show you how to lean into that word through the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit throughout the whole year.

If you don’t have a Word, seek the Lord.  

His WORD tells us that when we seek Him, we will find Him.  He will never hide from you – He wants to hear from you and He wants to answer you.

I start asking in the Fall, but there have been times that I finally hear His whisper in December or even January.  No matter, it is a practice of waiting and listening.

I love that the word is His chosen and custom designed word for me in 2025.

Sometimes the word is hard and, admittedly, I have argued with Him about the word. I have rebelled against the word.  But finally come to realize that His plan to use that hard word is to focus me on Him and help me to become more like Him.

After receiving my word, I usually have a leather cuff made with my word on it so I can wear it daily and see that word all day long.

These leather cuffs represent about 12 years of my life. 

There are a few missing from this pic and there are a couple that the Lord saw fit to continue into the next year.

If you look closely you will see the word WAIT.

I wore that cuff for 3 years.  The Lord had something to teach me about waiting and it took 3 years and counting. 

This year my word is JOY.

I’ve been low on JOY for a couple of years.

In 2025 I am praying that I will be intentional to live into the meaning of HIS JOY and what it should look like in my everyday life- giving and receiving Joy and teaching me through His Word.

WARNING: Don’t allow this practice to become legalistic or high pressure.

This is the practice I have found that works for me.  It doesn't have to be for you.

Just relax and ask the Lord to show you how to live your life with intentionality in 2025.  

To me that means never wasting a moment - good or bad - easy or hard- always pointing it all back to Jesus.

In future posts I will be sharing how God is using my word and I would love to hear your word or what other ways He is getting you ready for a year of Intentional Living for Him.  

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

Last year I bought us hats for Christmas. We had a secret wish to take a last trip to the beach.  It wasn't a practical wish, but wishes aren't really meant to be practical, are they?

This year I simply cherish the hat picture and the wish and face the first Christmas without my friend.  The last few years she and Steve and Erin were a big part of our Christmas Day.  The 3 of us are truly missing the 3 of them this year.

LIfe is hard! 

This morning I am remembering a sweet friend of our family who entered my life when I was a teenager.  She had a beautiful spirit and impacted my life in such sweet ways.  This week she went to be with Jesus. 

We have another friend who is facing the reality of heaven. She has been such a beautiful picture of faith with a deep, deep love for her Savior, but has shown that she is also just as real and human as the rest of us - she has expressed sadness and fear and her desire to live.  We pray for miracles until God reveals His plan.

In spite of all the loss and grief, this is still the most wonderful time of the year.  It is a time when we acknowledge to the world that Christ, our Savior was born.  

John 3:16 "For this is how [much] God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."

Joy to the world, the Lord has come!

The whole world needs JOY!

Joy is found in Jesus!

I pray that you all will find JOY in this season that is mixed in with the grief.  But you have to pursue JOY.  You have to wear JOY. You have to receive JOY. You have to give JOY.

For me, I will find JOY in remembering the last smiles of my friend, in the face of my great-baby, in laughter as we gather with family (15 grandkids+their parents), and in the decorations. Yes, in the decorations all around you at this time of year. In our home our tree tells our story- ornaments made by our children and grandchildren, ornaments brought back from all our trips, and ornaments that point us to Jesus. Allow your decorations to remind us that we are celebrating the birthday of our Savior.

Merry Christmas!

 

Closing up Shop

 

Carroll's house has sold. 

The house is completely empty. 

When Carroll was getting sicker I use to go through the house at night, turning off lights and locking doors. 

She called it “closing up shop”. 

This was my final “closing up shop”. 

Last time in her house. 

I left my key.

Last time to turn the lock and walk in.

What a journey! 

I have learned in the past and am learning all over again that the journey of grief has so many "lasts".  Just when you claim "closure", you are hit with another "last".

I am asking the Lord to help me live in those short few seconds and think about what it really means to me.

Right now I'm in a place to receive it, let it have it's meaning over me, treasure it and then just let it be.  

Don't fight it.

Don't over think it.

Invite Jesus to walk you through it and keep on moving.

Caring for My Soul

 Sorry for being away the past couple of months.

I have been overwhelmed with the final stages of clearing my friend's home. Over the past 5 months I have literally touched all of her belongings - the things that made her who she was - reflections of her kindness and generosity; the way she loved her friends and her home. She loved to decorate for holidays.  She loved a good party. She had a saucy sense of humor.  I was reminded of that as I looked through her greeting card box.  Some of those cards were hilarious! Some of those cards already had names on them.

Today, the house is empty.  It is the reality of a life that has ended.

The FOR SALE sign will be placed in her yard today.  It's over!

And now I realize that I am finally truly grieving the loss of my friend, and the loss of our dreams and plans.  

It has been a surprising grief because I had convinced myself that I was doing pretty good job dealing with the loss.  

But now I must face it and FEEL it.  If you are grieving over any kind of loss - big or small, it is imperative that you let yourself feel it.  If something moves you to tears, then stop and have a good cry.

I recently read an article written by John Eldredge on Soul Care.  In the last few years of my ministry, I spoke often about the importance of Soul Care and learning to recognize the symptoms of a weary, dry and damaged soul and most importantly, how to nurture our souls.  John, specifically referring to grief, spoke of how often we neglect our souls in the season of grief - we live with an unattended soul.

Look at me.  I know these things.  I've taught these things and practiced soul care.  But not now.  I'm starting over.

John Eldredge said-

Allow your soul to feel. Don’t tell it what to feel; it knows what to do. Just give it permission.

This week I have cried over text messages, and cried hard when we saw the Reagan movie, and when I watched the news.  Yes, some of those things were sad.  But my soul was saying, "let yourself feel it all".

My challenge to you is to take the time to become aware and present to your soul and the losses that have pushed aside for another day. 

Let's do this together!  Find those places, grieve them, give words to them and then invite Jesus to come in and bring healing over your soul.

Finding Myself One Moment at a Time

I have taught, counseled, prayed over and encouraged more people than I can count in the past 50 years. 

For many I encouraged them to begin by understanding their identity in Christ. 

I remember when I first encountered the teaching on God's view of me through the lens of HIS eyes. 

It was 35 years ago and it was life changing. 

I had struggled for most of my life with self-image and lack of confidence. 

This teaching set me free from the lies of the enemy! 

It was the enemy who, for most of my life, had been whispering to my soul that I was "less than" because of bad things that had happened to me at a young age. 

I was a helpless victim, but Satan found a way to make me believe, even at the age of 7 years old, that I was guilty and should by shamed. 

Through the years I made agreements with these lies and eventually there were enough agreements that a stronghold took hold. 

It affected my understanding of God, saturated my emotions with shame and was fleshed out in my body image.

So, let's return to 2024. 

In my quiet times this past week I realized that in all my searching I had chosen to ignore my identity in Christ.

Mostly because, honestly, I wanted to be mad at God and His plan for my friend and the loss of all our plans and dreams for retirement. 

This feeling was foreign to me. I had never felt angry with God before. I have felt sadness and I have had questions, but never anger. 

In the past few weeks I have felt the loss of more than my best friend, I re-lived the death of her husband and daughter. 

I felt the loss of her mom who literally died in my arms. 

And then I go back to the loss of my parents. 

I was grieving for all of them! 

But I was refusing the comfort of the Holy Spirit. 

I was living in the loss and the pain, and in all of this I was denying my identity. 

Last week I sensed the Holy Spirit urging me to find myself, the me that He sees!

In those moments I went back to some of my teaching on the subject. 

It was a sweet moment as I begin to feel my return to resting in the truth that I am a Daughter of the KING. 

I pray you might find these moments in your grief or struggles or your questioning or even in a bit of apathy. 

I am so thankful for a patient and understanding God who encourages us to grieve and who stands beside us in dark times – even when we don’t invite Him in. He is waiting right there. 

Zephaniah 3:17 is an important scripture in my life.  

        The Lord your God is with [me]. 

        He is mighty to save [me]. 

        He takes great delight in [me]. 

        He quiets [me] with His love. 

        He rejoices over [me] with singing. 

I keep this passage on a note card to see it every day. 

If you are struggling, use meditate on these verses for the next week. 

Better yet – let’s commit to memorize it together.

I pray that all of my words will be from the Lord and not from me.

He has confirmed for me, through your comments, that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

Please know that I have been praying for those of you who commented on my first post.  

Feel free to private message me or email me at cindyseay50@yahoo.com and let me know specific ways I can pray for you. Prayer is my passion and calling.

I have landed in a season of reflection. 

But it feels more like blurred confusion and unsteadiness.

It's kind of a lonely place to be - alone with all the feelings - the grief, the sense of being unsure about almost everything. 

I suppose that's what I feel when I look back over the past 4 years and realize the loss that we have experienced - it was one thing after another, with very little time to process each loss before the next one came along.

I am not alone.  

I have an amazing husband.  We are a team.  We walk through all things together, holding on to each other and the comfort and strength of our Lord,

I have the gift of some deep, sweet friendships.  

I have family that has encouraged me and watched over me with great care.

Yet, at the end of the day, I am left alone in my thoughts.

I am not sharing this with you to cause you concern or confusion.

I pray that you will find Jesus in my writing and that you will walk with me while I attempt to untangle all that life throws at us.

I feel an urging in my spirit to share my story.

I don't even know what that will look like.

Perhaps it is simply for my own healing.  

I am passionate about story.  

It is how we learn from each other and how the Holy Spirit connects us.

It is how the light of Jesus is reflected through us to a dark world.

I hope you will join me on this winding path.

I pray that you will not see me but that you will watch for Jesus in my story - that you will allow the Holy Spirit to speak and to draw you into a place where you can fully trust and deeply love the Lord.

More to come...