Closing up Shop

 

Carroll's house has sold. 

The house is completely empty. 

When Carroll was getting sicker I use to go through the house at night, turning off lights and locking doors. 

She called it “closing up shop”. 

This was my final “closing up shop”. 

Last time in her house. 

I left my key.

Last time to turn the lock and walk in.

What a journey! 

I have learned in the past and am learning all over again that the journey of grief has so many "lasts".  Just when you claim "closure", you are hit with another "last".

I am asking the Lord to help me live in those short few seconds and think about what it really means to me.

Right now I'm in a place to receive it, let it have it's meaning over me, treasure it and then just let it be.  

Don't fight it.

Don't over think it.

Invite Jesus to walk you through it and keep on moving.

Caring for My Soul

 Sorry for being away the past couple of months.

I have been overwhelmed with the final stages of clearing my friend's home. Over the past 5 months I have literally touched all of her belongings - the things that made her who she was - reflections of her kindness and generosity; the way she loved her friends and her home. She loved to decorate for holidays.  She loved a good party. She had a saucy sense of humor.  I was reminded of that as I looked through her greeting card box.  Some of those cards were hilarious! Some of those cards already had names on them.

Today, the house is empty.  It is the reality of a life that has ended.

The FOR SALE sign will be placed in her yard today.  It's over!

And now I realize that I am finally truly grieving the loss of my friend, and the loss of our dreams and plans.  

It has been a surprising grief because I had convinced myself that I was doing pretty good job dealing with the loss.  

But now I must face it and FEEL it.  If you are grieving over any kind of loss - big or small, it is imperative that you let yourself feel it.  If something moves you to tears, then stop and have a good cry.

I recently read an article written by John Eldredge on Soul Care.  In the last few years of my ministry, I spoke often about the importance of Soul Care and learning to recognize the symptoms of a weary, dry and damaged soul and most importantly, how to nurture our souls.  John, specifically referring to grief, spoke of how often we neglect our souls in the season of grief - we live with an unattended soul.

Look at me.  I know these things.  I've taught these things and practiced soul care.  But not now.  I'm starting over.

John Eldredge said-

Allow your soul to feel. Don’t tell it what to feel; it knows what to do. Just give it permission.

This week I have cried over text messages, and cried hard when we saw the Reagan movie, and when I watched the news.  Yes, some of those things were sad.  But my soul was saying, "let yourself feel it all".

My challenge to you is to take the time to become aware and present to your soul and the losses that have pushed aside for another day. 

Let's do this together!  Find those places, grieve them, give words to them and then invite Jesus to come in and bring healing over your soul.

Finding Myself One Moment at a Time

I have taught, counseled, prayed over and encouraged more people than I can count in the past 50 years. 

For many I encouraged them to begin by understanding their identity in Christ. 

I remember when I first encountered the teaching on God's view of me through the lens of HIS eyes. 

It was 35 years ago and it was life changing. 

I had struggled for most of my life with self-image and lack of confidence. 

This teaching set me free from the lies of the enemy! 

It was the enemy who, for most of my life, had been whispering to my soul that I was "less than" because of bad things that had happened to me at a young age. 

I was a helpless victim, but Satan found a way to make me believe, even at the age of 7 years old, that I was guilty and should by shamed. 

Through the years I made agreements with these lies and eventually there were enough agreements that a stronghold took hold. 

It affected my understanding of God, saturated my emotions with shame and was fleshed out in my body image.

So, let's return to 2024. 

In my quiet times this past week I realized that in all my searching I had chosen to ignore my identity in Christ.

Mostly because, honestly, I wanted to be mad at God and His plan for my friend and the loss of all our plans and dreams for retirement. 

This feeling was foreign to me. I had never felt angry with God before. I have felt sadness and I have had questions, but never anger. 

In the past few weeks I have felt the loss of more than my best friend, I re-lived the death of her husband and daughter. 

I felt the loss of her mom who literally died in my arms. 

And then I go back to the loss of my parents. 

I was grieving for all of them! 

But I was refusing the comfort of the Holy Spirit. 

I was living in the loss and the pain, and in all of this I was denying my identity. 

Last week I sensed the Holy Spirit urging me to find myself, the me that He sees!

In those moments I went back to some of my teaching on the subject. 

It was a sweet moment as I begin to feel my return to resting in the truth that I am a Daughter of the KING. 

I pray you might find these moments in your grief or struggles or your questioning or even in a bit of apathy. 

I am so thankful for a patient and understanding God who encourages us to grieve and who stands beside us in dark times – even when we don’t invite Him in. He is waiting right there. 

Zephaniah 3:17 is an important scripture in my life.  

        The Lord your God is with [me]. 

        He is mighty to save [me]. 

        He takes great delight in [me]. 

        He quiets [me] with His love. 

        He rejoices over [me] with singing. 

I keep this passage on a note card to see it every day. 

If you are struggling, use meditate on these verses for the next week. 

Better yet – let’s commit to memorize it together.

I pray that all of my words will be from the Lord and not from me.

He has confirmed for me, through your comments, that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

Please know that I have been praying for those of you who commented on my first post.  

Feel free to private message me or email me at cindyseay50@yahoo.com and let me know specific ways I can pray for you. Prayer is my passion and calling.

I have landed in a season of reflection. 

But it feels more like blurred confusion and unsteadiness.

It's kind of a lonely place to be - alone with all the feelings - the grief, the sense of being unsure about almost everything. 

I suppose that's what I feel when I look back over the past 4 years and realize the loss that we have experienced - it was one thing after another, with very little time to process each loss before the next one came along.

I am not alone.  

I have an amazing husband.  We are a team.  We walk through all things together, holding on to each other and the comfort and strength of our Lord,

I have the gift of some deep, sweet friendships.  

I have family that has encouraged me and watched over me with great care.

Yet, at the end of the day, I am left alone in my thoughts.

I am not sharing this with you to cause you concern or confusion.

I pray that you will find Jesus in my writing and that you will walk with me while I attempt to untangle all that life throws at us.

I feel an urging in my spirit to share my story.

I don't even know what that will look like.

Perhaps it is simply for my own healing.  

I am passionate about story.  

It is how we learn from each other and how the Holy Spirit connects us.

It is how the light of Jesus is reflected through us to a dark world.

I hope you will join me on this winding path.

I pray that you will not see me but that you will watch for Jesus in my story - that you will allow the Holy Spirit to speak and to draw you into a place where you can fully trust and deeply love the Lord.

More to come...

We Return as Different People

Today I'm recovering from our trip to Honduras and reflecting on the amazing things we saw while in this beautiful country.

The people in Honduras are kind and loving. We see joy in the faces of children in each Compassion Project, though they live in abject poverty. The things that bring them delight are small and trivial as compared to the material society in which we live and the things our children desire. We are moved by their love for the Lord and the growing seeds of ambition that are planted in the hearts of these Compassion children- a belief that God has a plan for their lives and that they can make a difference in their country. We are touched by the tireless efforts of Compassion Project workers who care for and love these children with all they have.

It was a humbling moment when Pastora Candi at HO-283 announced that they were naming a new classroom in honor of my husband, Pastor Ed Seay. They had a ribbon-cutting ceremony and Ed and his sponsored child, Fernando, went in together to see an amazing new computer classroom. What an honor and blessing!



For the second time, I was blessed to be with my sponsored child, Alejandra Michelle, at HO-285. What a precious young 13 yr. old girl who desires to love God more and has a goal to go to college and become a teacher. She lives in a very small home with no running water. She walks a long way to get to school and to the project. She cares for her 2 little sisters and loves her mom and grandparents. It is such an amazing blessing to get to know these children and their families and better know how to pray for them and how to really love them.

Jessica's sweet little girl, Eimie, is very shy and struggles to smile. It was awesome for us to go with Jess to Eimie's home and meet her mother and her little brother. A smile emerged from her sweet face as she opened a princess backpack full of fun things for her. Even sweeter was the time of circling together, holding hands as Jess prayed for Eimie and her family. We are thankful for the ability to visit our children and help them know how much we love them.



I had the honor of meeting a friend's sponsored child in HO-286. Isaac is 13 yrs. old and sat down with me (and a translator) so I could give him some gifts sent by his sponsor. I told Isaac that his sponsor loved him very much and that she prays for him and she is very proud of him. As I shared this message through a translator, he covered his face and began to cry. I believe that God gave the words that HE knew Isaac needed on that day. It becomes apparent that these children are moved by the knowledge that someone who lives far away and has never met them, still loves them and prays for them. It was a touching moment that I will never forget.



One of my favorite experiences was the "blessing of the children". The Pastor at Project 284 asked that we line up on each side of the aisle of their church. He asked that we touch and bless the children as each of them passed through that tunnel of blessing. All of them, about 200, passed through smiling and reaching for us as we touched their heads and pronounced blessings over them. What a powerful time as we prayed for protection of their hearts and minds in a culture of evil and danger. We prayed that each of them would come to know Jesus as their Savior and that they would each realize the plan that God has for them - plans to give them a HOPE and a FUTURE.
In those moments you want to stay and hug and play and tell them over and over how much you love them and pray for them.



On the last full day of our visit, we met our sponsored children at an Inflatable Park for FUN DAY. What amazing smiles we got to see as they enjoyed climbing and sliding and jumping. They were carefree in those moments. They were not wondering if they would have enough food on that day or whether they would be safe or have clothes or water. They were playing and enjoying life in those moments. We are so thankful to Compassion for allowing us these opportunities to provide these kids with FUN. We spent hours with their families and had great conversations about life and Jesus.



If you are interested in sponsoring a child, go to www.compassion.com. If you would like to sponsor a child in the projects that we hope to visit each year you may call the 1-800 number on Compassion's website and ask about children in need of a sponsor in projects HO-283, HO-284, HO-285, HO-286.

Compassion: Releasing Children from Poverty in Jesus' Name

Lord, help us to stay in this place of humility and gratefulness - this place where our hearts are affected by the sweet faces of children and the gracious welcoming hearts of families and project workers.

This is the Year!

This is the year.
In approximately 95 days, I will be 60 years old. I could choose to fret over this very sudden aging event, but instead I have chosen to embrace it. Ann Voskamp declares in her New Year's blog a "No-Fear New Year".
As Ann writes, I want to fall forward into 2014. I will not be afraid of what lies ahead. God is going before me. He is planning a new thing.

My Scripture for 2014
Isaiah 43:18-19 (The Message)
Forget what has happened; Don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, Be present.
I'm about to do something brand-NEW.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm carving out a new road in the desert.

I'm ready!!!

I want to experience every day of it- knowing Christ more every day - loving my husband better - enjoying my family fully- embracing the seasons that are upon me.

Honduras: Day 3

I didn't really expect today to be as powerful as yesterday, but I was wrong.
We arrived at Compassion Project No. 283 today and received a warm greeting. The children sang for us and we had an opportunity to hear from a Project Coordinator. A Project Coordinator is responsible for 15 Projects. Each project has an average of 200 children. I can't fathom the magnitude of her job, but she is passionate about reaching children for Jesus.
We served the children a meal and then we were able to bless this church by painting two of their classrooms. We had a ministry moment to pray for the pastor and be a support in some really difficult times. We also learned that there are 19 children in Project 283 that do not have sponsors.
Another woman asked us to pray for her. Her 15 year old son has left home, become involved in drugs and running from people who want to kill him. She has many other needs in her family. She believes in the power of prayer.
At the end of the day we visited another family in their home. This family has 7 children and lives in extreme poverty. When we asked how we could pray for them the wife asked that we pray that her husband would come to know the Lord. It was a moving time together.
Over and over we are reminded that only the hope of Jesus can change the lives of these children and families.
Compassion provides opportunities for children to learn about the hope of Christ and then they take this Hope back home to their families. Only Jesus can satisfy their soul!
Please pray for sponsors for the children in Honduras.